So long ago I said I need a Savior and repented of all the horrible and evil things I’d done up to the age of seven. I tried so hard to be good. I remember at around 8 years old starting my day and challenging myself to go the whole day without sinning. I messed up soon after breakfast. My understanding of grace was limited to the idea that I could try again the next day. My understanding of God had Him loving me very, very much but I thought He wanted me to be better than I was.
Many years later, at 18, I found myself reexamining my relationship with God. I had definitely grown in my understanding over the years, but as I was facing independence from my parents I realized more clearly than ever that Jesus was a presence and a power that would stand beside me when I needed a friend, a leader, a guide and a big shoulder. My Jesus, I soon realized, was capable of introducing me to adventure and excitement in the form of service that was beyond my imagination. It was in that year that I vowed sweet vows of sacrifice and obedience I knew I’d never regret.
“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” ~Jim Elliot
What I’ve realized through the years, is that making those vows, no matter how pure and intentional I was in doing it, needs to happen again every now and then.
One night recently I bowed in my living room floor, all others in the house were sound asleep, and I renewed my vows. I committed again to serving Him in whatever way He needed me. I committed to giving up my ideas of what is good and right, and leaning in closer to His Word to catch every detail of truth. I committed to follow as He leads, listen as He speaks, and obey as He directs. I am His.
It’s easy to get thrown off, it’s easy to let urgency and frustration steer us away from priority and perseverance. This leads our perception to be clouded, our steps to become uneven, and our decisions to be less of an approach to wisdom, and more a requirement of fate.
My vows must be secure. My priority must be a faithfulness to those vows, otherwise, my faith is a product of my circumstance instead of the other way around.
I don’t wake up in the middle of the night every night to emotionally pledge my life to God’s service. I do die daily though. I have to.
It is daily that I am faced with the desire to love myself more than my Savior.
It is daily that I am tempted to do what feels good, rather than what serves well.
It is daily that I am pulled to use up my time instead of give up my time.
It is daily that the will I was born with cries louder than the will I desire.
I cannot spend my days well, unless I first silence the nagging of skin and bones.
Today I rest on grace, not by challenging myself to get through the day without sinning, but by chasing after the love and joy of the One who conquered sin. I renew my vows, on my knees sometimes, but most days I do it on my feet, moving toward Him, running the race, filling my home with praise, laughing with my children, washing the dishes with a good attitude, cleaning the toilets with my chin up, making the bed again, and again, and again. I can do all things joyfully, through Christ who strengthens me to be content in plenty or in want. I can do all things purposefully, through Christ who strengthens me to be content in busy or in boredom, in peace or in pain, in triumph or in tragedy.
He has been with me in the sorrow and the frustration I experience, and I renew my vow to follow Him through all of it.
I don’t know what’s around the corner. I don’t know who’s watching or what they notice. I don’t know what God wants to do with the ideas that pop into my head hourly. I don’t know where He will take me next, but I know that faithfulness to these vows is crucial to all of it. It’s as crucial to my spirit as water is to my flesh, and when the world around me is turning unexpectedly sideways, and the floor gives way beneath me, I will not fear, because vows are made within a boundary and security of love. I am not the only pledge giver. He whispers sweet promises to me and I trust Him. He holds up the weak places and He has never, ever, ever let me fall. My vows are not a sacrifice, they are a stability, a fitting of His easy yoke.
I love being His. I love His ways and His song. He alone makes my feet secure and I cannot imagine my path without Him. I die daily, but to what? To so much less than what He has for me.