I am sore. My heart gets a little pang of sadness that really feels painful when I hear of friends who are hurting to the point of giving up on their marriage. I say it like that because I think that’s really what it is in this case…just a whole lot of unintentional hurt. There was no infidelity, no abuse (physical or verbal) or hidden addictions, just a bad case of neglect and carelessness.
What is faithfulness in marriage? Is it something we only equate with not cheating? To me it is so much more than that. Faithfulness is continuing to seek a steadfast communion with someone who maybe isn’t at their best. Faithfulness is working hard to meet the needs of your spouse even when you’re the one who feels left for dead. Faithfulness is putting aside your misery so that you can concentrate on why your spouse is miserable. Faithfulness is trusting God with the person you married so that you don’t go insane looking at what you perceive about them. Faithfulness is taking the high road…even in the dark.
Marriage isn’t easy, and no marriage is perfect. It’s the union of two imperfect people, so there are bound to be hindrances and hurdles to overcome. Marriage isn’t always fun. Sometimes, marriage feels like a canyon you can’t climb out of. You can follow the river bed and take a long walk out, or you can call for a rope. There are too many people calling for ropes, and in my opinion, too many people willing to throw them down.
Marriage is worth it. It’s worth every bit of the work it takes to keep it whole. Seeing each other through the deep places in the road is exhilarating. Knowing your spouse trusts you because of your faithfulness is fulfilling. Believing that God has you together for a reason that’s bigger than your own happiness is exciting. Being married is more than having someone say “I’ll watch out for you.” It’s trusting the one who says it enough to give them your weapon.
I do not discount the pain my friends are in. I do not discount the discouragement, depression and disillusionment that so many couples find themselves drowning in. I only wish I could give them a birds-eye view of where they’re going…show them that the canyon does have an outlet and the view from the other side is breathtaking. I wish I could show them that quitting is only prolonging a lesson in patience and endurance. I prayed for my hurting friends today, that God would reveal His way out of the valley they find themselves in. That He would comfort them and strengthen them with endurance for the road they have yet to travel. That an obstinate conviction would settle upon them that would hold them fast to the vows they made to each other…then I thanked God for my wonderfully imperfect marriage and the steadfast faithfulness of the man God allows me to love.
Very well said, Mary. I can’t speak from experience, but I appreciate your care and compassion while still offering Biblical input.
Whew. Amen.
It’s definitely work. And definitely worth it.
I’ve been in your spot several times too. It is so difficult to see one’s friends go through this.
You sound like your mother
Well said, Mary. Your love for them seeps through these words- maybe they should be given a copy?
Very well said. When two dreamy eyed people say I do, they don’t *really* know what’s in store for them. I don’t think it’s really possible to understand until you’re actually married. And I don’t know anything else that shows how selfish we really are like marriage does. I pray that you can be an encouragement to your friends and that you can help them through this.
This one hits close to home. Though I know you know the circumstances which surrounded my divorce and your post is not about me or my situation, that guilt of failing at marriage rushes back in when reading this. I struggled with that guilt for a while in the beginning, and contemplating staying strictly out of guilt. While I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my divorce was necessary (for all involved), and it was the absolute right and only thing to do, there’s still a guilt and shame that comes with breaking that covenent. All I can do is learn from that entire experience so I am wiser as to not find myself in that situation again. Too often people divorce, only to make the same marital mistake they made the first time. I don’t want to be that person anymore than I care to be the divorcee that I am. So I have to accept the label I have, but I can wisely choose to avoid any additional labels.
Amber – I nearly didn’t publish this post for this very reason. I didn’t want to raise old wounds or administer guilt where it wasn’t meant to be given. I am glad you know that I didn’t mean you. I completely see you as one who walked in faithfulness as far as you could possibly go. I know that you didn’t ask for a rope until you came to a precipice that you just couldn’t go down without killing yourself or Madison in the process and that God Himself was right there helping you out. You did not break your covenant, your husband did, and you had to pick up what was left and make a decision based on where you were.
The truth is…I know you agree with my words and that marriage is important and sacred to you. I know that you, if blessed with another opportunity, will faithfully love and faithfully respect the man God gives you. I know that YOU DIDN’T FAIL at marriage…and that’s why I went ahead and posted this.
Very well said, Mary. I especially liked, “Faithfulness is putting aside your misery so that you can concentrate on why your spouse is miserable”. It’s so true. For me, marriage has made me become MUCH less selfish. I love being married and I will always work hard to keep it that way. Many people throw their hands up way too soon, in my opinion.
You really should write a book 🙂